Living in A War Zone

Then, check in with her once a week in a patient, non-pressuring way to discuss her feelings. There is no way you can entirely assuage her anxiety about her son, but your steady support may help her feel less distressed. If you feel your intervention is having no effect, consider suggesting in a compassionate, matter-of-fact way that talking to a counselor might help lighten her burden. Urge her to shop around until she finds someone she feels truly comfortable with.

In any case, I hope you’ll give her the benefit of the doubt before changing your succession plan. This mother in crisis needs time and healing before she can extend her nurturing abilities to the clients in your practice. Once she stabilizes herself, your clients are likely to appreciate the empathy and concern she will be able to direct toward them.

The other day, a longtime client of mine bent my ear for half an hour recounting his preparations for a terrorist attack. He has stockpiled gas masks, antidotes, weapons, food, and water. I personally believe that living in fear is a surrender of personal freedom, but I don’t want to offend this client by criticizing his views. How should I respond? First, consider the psychology behind your client’s conduct. When people feel powerless, they often believe that taking action will somehow help them control the situation. Many do feel better for it, even if that control is illusory.

So after letting your client vent a little about the precautions he’s taken, you might say something like “It’s good that you’ve gotten so proactive about protecting yourself and your family.” If he presses you about making the same preparations yourself, it’s okay to say, “What works best for me is trying to live as normally as I can.”

In any event, try not to become impatient or judgmental. With daily reports of anthrax and other terrorist tactics, his hypervigilance is a perfectly normal response. It’s just not the only way to respond.

A client I know well, and like, has been edgy about small things that never used to bother him. Yesterday, he blew up at my assistant and left her in tears. I’m angry about this and wonder how best to handle it. During troubled times, it’s important to build bridges between people without judging the way they respond to stress and trauma.

I think you can help both your client and your assistant reestablish perspective and balance. First, call or meet with the client to see how he’s doing. At the right moment, ask what happened that made him so upset with your assistant. Explore his own stresses with him, and see if the two of you can think of things that might relax him in these upsetting times. If he regrets the blowup, suggest that he call or write your assistant to apologize.

Then meet with your assistant. While sympathizing with her hurt feelings, help her understand the stresses that fueled the client’s unfair overreaction. If he said anything conciliatory to you, let her know. In any case, make sure she sees that what happened was not her fault. During times like these, some of us just do not behave like our normal rational selves. Though sad, this is inevitable while we try to find our way back to a more serene place.

All my clients seem to be struggling emotionally these days. Many appear dazed and distracted, others so needy and anxious that I hardly know how to respond. How can I help them return to normalcy? A forward-looking financial planner I know wrote a thoughtful letter to all her clients about the events of September 11. She began by empathizing with what many of them must feel, validating their feelings of vulnerability in a scary new world.

Her letter continued by calmly suggesting ways for these clients to cultivate a long-term perspective. She discussed her view of the financial marketplace in the near term and in the long run. By the closing paragraph, she had built a bridge from emotion to rationality, making it possible for her clients to communicate with her in a more balanced way.

Your own clients may be waiting for you to take the lead in discussing the future. This could be a good time to organize a client appreciation event or a “What Now?” financial seminar. By meeting in a group, clients can share their anxieties and ideas while being coached on ways to get through this difficult situation.

These are stressful times, indeed, so we all need to be much more aware of the messages we’re sending and how we’re delivering them. (Some journalists have suggested that our government needs more psychologists on board to advise on how best to communicate with an anxious public. I agree.)

Remind your clients and colleagues–and yourself–that learning to cope with constant stress is a long-term process, requiring creativity and as much supportive human contact as possible to counter the hopelessness and fear all around us. Self-nurturing practices are vital to shore up your inner resources, and proactive steps like volunteering can help make it easier to return to some semblance of normalcy. Unfortunately, what’s normal now will probably never be the same as what was normal before September 11.